Recently I’ve been having some difficulties in keeping up my writing. Finding the thought of the whole website thing overwhelming. I tend to do that. Get so overwhelmed with thinking about could go wrong and even what could be going right that I just space out. Avoid it all. In ways I must think it’s easier. But mentally it’s the worst decision. I feel like I’m giving up on my dream and without that I go back to being the failure with no direction or drive in my life. Ignoring everything else that may be going well. My family, my friends. All of it it’s sucked into the black hole of this trial in my life. And I can’t even call it a small trial, it’s a big thing, I know. I want to succeed in my life.
A lack of funds has been my plight of recent. I don’t want to struggle till the end of my dying days. Not being able to have nice things or go where I want, a slave to a job I have no interest in; generally feeling a lack of freedom. That’s what money gives you, freedom. I didn’t realise this until later in my life, later than most people. Once I had given up my childhood dream of being a writer I was left not knowing what I wanted to do in life, school was a bore and I wasn’t pursuing any interests of mine. Growing up in a single parent household I didn’t ever think I was wealthy but I hadn’t felt poor either. I was comfortable. I didn’t go out much so I didn’t need much money and if I did decide to pop out sometimes then my lunch money could generally take me from A to B with a little lunch inbetween. It was only when I got to 18 that I felt like I was disadvantaged.
It was the summer before uni and I was broke. Down to my last £100, that I definitely wouldn’t be spending on shopping trips and lunches out. So I was a prisoner in my own home with the glorious summer sunshine beaming through my window. I was losing my mind and disappointing my friends who had gotten jobs and kept asking me to come out with them. Up until this point, the mere thought of working detested me but things were getting tough now and luckily an opportunity had opened up. It was 2012, the olympics were in london and the jobs were readily available. Without an interview I found myself standing at a hot dog stand cashier with my purple badge swinging from my neck. This is work aye.
And it was terrible, just as I had imagined. Hours of standing on my feet had me hobbling home in my dolly shoes and that was where I discovered that standing on my feet all day was not for me. The first lesson of work.
When i got my first drop of cash in the bank i was elated! I could finally go out and NEVER do this again. My mind had not been entirely changed about working at this point but I could finally see the upside. How money could make a change when I decided I wanted to work for it.
It feels like again I’ve reached that point of not being able to have what I want. Stuck again in that prison box of life’s expenses. One that only I can pull myself. That’s the hard part. Pulling yourself up and letting yourself know that you will fight to get out of this box. Forget the time wasting you’ve been doing and get back to doing what you need to do, to get where you want to in your life.
A reminder for me to check this post again when i’m feeling low again next week.